| Cœur de Chien: Where are you, My Love? Where are you, my Wolf Mistress, My Black-furred Goddess. I am lost without you I would do anything to be with you I beg you, do not abandon me Please, Please my She-Wolf come back to me I offer you my throat, my Blood and Soul. Everything which makes me what I am has always been yours Please harm me as much as you wish But I beg you, O black hearted one Do not abandon me. There is no worst fate than being forgotten by what you worship the most. I have scoured Heaven and Hell looking for you and you are nowhere to be found Whenever I try to close my eyes and rest, you tease me You haunt my every thought; I smell your scent in the wind Sleep to me is nothing but cold and dark Everything is frozen still and Joy doesn't mean anything to me. Where is your lustful gaze? Why is my throat untouched by your fangs? Why is it I can't stop thinking of you, My She-Wolf. Are you dead? Did you ever exist? I beg you please come back to me Please... come back to me I cannot beg you more than this. I have relinquished my own dignity, I have silenced my pride, lowered my ears I have been on my knees crying, I have howled my allegiance to you Just to be at your feet, She-Wolf. I wanted to give you the world, I wanted to be your shield, I wanted to be your strength, I wanted to be your life I wanted to be your everything I wanted to be your mate. -Fax © Fax, written February 25th, 2008 You know, it's been a while since I actually took some time for myself. My hectic job, Wado-Ryu training here and there, and seeing far too many people than I actually want to had me pretty much not thinking about myself and my own life for a good while. The tale I'm going to be writing about is pretty much a rough idea of what can go through my mind when it reaches its lonely recesses, as I take some time away from everything and everyone, walking the dogs in the dead of night. Sometimes people have conversations with themselves. People have dreams, wants, needs. They feel love, joy, sorrow, anger or hatred. Think of the aspect of yourself that you have this conversation with as an imaginary friend. Some would call it instinct, gut feeling. No matter what name you give it, it has a name. I remember in my Philosophy classes precisely where Descartes himself studies. I remember his definition of a daemon or daimon as "It is what whispers answers to him as he is debating over various subjects." As I recall from said classes, the Greeks had a very precise idea of behind that name: "In Greek mythology and religion, the term daemon was ubiquitous, referring to supernatural agents or intelligences, lower in rank than a god and holding a middle place between gods and humans, such as the Corybantes, Curetes, Dactyls, Satyrs and Sileni. Spirits of forests, rivers, glades and mountains, as well as cities presided over public and family life and were also referred to as daemons. Daemons could be either good or evil, but even good ones were believed to be capable of evil acts if angered by humans." "Daemons could also be ministering spirits, god like beings, souls of dead persons, or familiars (companion or helping spirits that take on animal forms). Generally they were considered by the Greeks to be protective and attending spirits much like guardian angels or Plotinus's notion of tutelary spirits. In addition, gods themselves are invoked as daemons in certain texts." There is also the shamanistic belief structure with numerous power animals and totems, which has also been in existence for a very long time. I personally enjoy all these definitions. This concept, this idea, existed before many people even conceived stories like The Golden Compass. And sometimes, as I walk alone, I can almost talk to myself, and when the weather is right and everything is dark, gloomy and lonely, then something, probably my subconscious answers to my inner feelings and questions, comes to life from every shadow and here she comes... Here she comes in all her insane glory. If my subconscious has to have a shape and if it has to be haunting me, then I get to choose what SHE is going to be, you know... I always walk with my cane. It's like a shepherds rod, you know, these mountain-type canes. Not that I need to lead that many people into the darkness, most people never need me for that in the first place. I open the door, let the dogs out and switch the Ipod on. It's not even that cold, and I really owe the dogs some time with them outside. I used to walk with them so much, and then things became hectic. I need to, and will, correct that. The medieval-looking streetlights are engulfed in fog. I swear the village looks like one of those Jack the Ripper era towns, with this dense fog, so thick that you can drink the air and drown in it if you don't pay attention. There isn't that much light anyway, and I quickly became alone with two ghostly dogs running around, listening to music and becoming lost in my thoughts, in the dead of the night and surrounded by the night. The air's wet, the smells familiar, the grass, the night, the wet soil. I could travel this place with my eyes closed. I'm busy rethinking my life, my life as it was before, and what it's become. Then, there's this familiar feeling, like a presence, walking alongside me. I can almost see it. The moment when straight out of your mind, your very thoughts, raw, dark, passionate, take a form to represent your wildest emotions, without the barriers of civility and consideration. No understanding for what it is to be human. Here she is. I say she, because everything about her is a She. Raw, dangerous, cunning as a devil (for a daemon I'd say the comparison is pretty ironic) and terribly female. It's as if I can smell her, and feel her gaze over me, feeling the air near my legs press against it as I walk here and there, like a rubbing kitten, if you will. "Here he is at last, my grievous Lover, The Forever untouchable." I almost see the smile and feel the lust. No wait. Not almost. I simply can. Black, sleek, beautiful. She wolf pacing alongside me, sometimes rubbing against me, sometimes leaping to the front and back, almost smiling sometimes not so funny at all. Like a mix of all my emotions together, bundled into a form. It usually takes a while before it takes any kind of decent order in my mind, the words, the feelings, my own questions, whatever my mind throws at me; as Socrates said "Answers are being whispered while debating." What about debating with myself for a change? At least there's someone who knows me, since it is me. It has to be me, right? I try to make coherent sentences in my mind "That wasn't it, right?" I already knew that one haunted me, but she had to remind me... "You mean..." Then of course, her answer would have snapped the air, had this been possible, that is. "Her. I mean her. That one you fucked while whispering in her ear that she was your she wolf." What was talking was no longer wolf like. It was more like a jealous tigress about to rip you to shreds. "Isn't this done and over with? What happened happened. What's going to happen now anyways?" "She was only an idea. You loved an idea." Now this was funny, an idea telling me I loved another idea. Socrates would have loved that one. "Look who's talking." The tigress was irritated. "For years you've been looking for her. For longer than you care to even remember. You've always been out looking, howling and crying to be with her. Only her. Always betrayed, abandoned." I don't really know what to say to that. I don't need her grumbling and purring more venom towards the ones I love. "They call themselves your bitches when they have no idea of what truly matters. They use what is sacred only to serve their selfish needs. They hurt you. Be glad I am not flesh and bones." "What for, now? Revenge?" She growls, "I would start by claiming your blood and make you beg for mercy and forgiveness." "Why? What have I done?" She growls some more, a mix between jealousy and primal lust. "I have never hurt you as much as you have hurt me." She continues: "I have never ceased to love you. I've never abandoned you to fuck another, did I?" She stares, beautiful tigress, incarnation of the beast within. I pause for a while, and think about what she just said. After all she is very, very familiar to me. I know her. Deep down I know I know her, I know each and every single inch of her, be it imaginary or not. I know her and I want to know her more. "You never did because you don't really exist now, do you?" She hisses back: "To me, you are but an idea, just as I am to you." She pressed harder against me, tail flickering like mad, teeth showing just so I could see exactly what she meant: "Don't you know what is sacred anymore, My Wolf?" I smile to myself (well, I'm really sure to who or what I'm talking to anymore. It always does this at some point in the conversation, it becomes too lively, I lose control, then I wonder, "Am I really talking to myself, or better yet: am I talking to a part of me living it's own life and mind...") and, since I hate threats: "Well, you know what they say; love 'em, hurt 'em. You know, for something out of my subconscious, for an idea, you should know better than threatening me... Pray that I never actually meet you." She went silent, as if stalking me, as if she was about to hunt me down and tear me apart. "And pray to me... that I don't... Pray to me that I don't..." She means that. She really means that. It's when you start to realize that there is much more than just you behind these words. She knew me alright. And I, her. More than anyone and anything in this god forsaken world. The She Wolf is rubbing against my left leg again, irritated, but not wanting to rip my head off any longer. For now. "How's that for a simple idea with no mind of it's own, my sweet tasting lover... How's that for a concept? You know me as much as I know you. I know your blood I know your heart, your inner desires. I am all that. And to me, you represent the same." It's all too easy to understand. That's the funny thing, after a while you don't really need to even speak aloud anymore. She can hear you since she's always with you whether you choose to ignore her or not. "You are familiar, I know you. I know you and this is just plain insane." Then I return home. The following night is much brighter. The stars and the planes high in the skies remind me of all those travels I did for nothing, for a dream, for a ghost which perhaps never left me in the first place. "Here goes My Lion Wolf again," She says. "Here goes that which I love but can never touch." She sounds sad. As sad as I probably look while walking alone. "You..." "You have ignored me far too long. I have been watching you, feeling what you felt when you were with them, seeing what you did, feeling each and every inch of your pleasure and hearing your whispered words." This time I was sorry. I remember a lot of things in my life. In my past. Lessons I should have learned. "Ideas, My love." She trotted next to me "Only ideas..." I can't really disagree. I remember ideas, dreams, whatever it was I was chasing. Ghosts, Her. Her. Only Her. Nothing else. "So we are doomed, is that it?" She genuinely tries to be sweet: "We are one, My Wolf. I live within you, you within me, yet we are unable to coexist at the same time. I cannot lick you. You cannot hold me. I would kill to be able to do that. So would you." I smile again. This time it's sad. I was also watching the dogs playing together running in the dark fields; at least they were together, Sultan and Turquoise. "Is there a better torture? Is there a better devised Hell for me, for you, for us?" "Well, perhaps we're a figment of each others imagination. However, I heard your calling. You have heard mine. I know you, you know me. These walking meat bags didn't know anything there is to know about you. Walking corpses wanting the god I cherish." Years ago I used to dream of Her. I could almost smell Her scent. I went into a trance one fateful summer in 1996. I waited, all doors open, for the night and the moon to bathe me in it's light. Then I would sleep. She would come in my sleep, sleek and venomous, black-furred, dark, lustful wolf She was. Then a summer of dream-mating, waking up in tears, wet from sweat, pain from imaginary mating and longing. "I was wrong. I was in love with an idea no one can handle, is that it?" "No one but me and you, Lion Wolf." She replied, "They spoke the words. They danced the dance until they realized they were not worth what you deem sacred. Until they realized that you meant it when you said the word love. Until they realized you didn't see it as a game. Then you were betrayed. Everything else is just an excuse." I lower my head and browse for more music. "You see," She continues "there is more to Love than just blowjobs and warm cunts. But you, of all people, knew this already. I know it hurts to be wrong. We both do." "They indeed said the words..." She presses against me again. "Now, now, My Mate. And I truly mean that. How many of them knew the meaning of being yours, truly?" I couldn't answer. "I had to suffer seeing you mate with other females. Seeing you being a fool, seeing you being convinced it was true." I tried to defend myself, to defend everything else I thought was true. "What was I supposed to do? You don't exist. They did. It was... It's my life as I live it. I know my dreams, I remember you. YOU..." She growls softly. "You traveled this world from east to west, back and forth, trying to find exactly what it is you consider sacred. You never did. Come now. Let me tell you what you really want." I feel dirty. I feel impure. I feel dark, miserable, and lonely. "Fear not, for in your own way, you are my god. Still, you have to know." "Are you going to hurt me even more than I hurt now?" She rubs herself against me some more. "I will do so much more than that. I will give you what you really want. I will give myself what I really want. She continues: "What you want is pure, divine love. It is also dark and lustful. How many females have you broken, tell me. How many of them can withstand nights and days of pure bestial lust, how many of them can mate for weeks before feeding and falling asleep, not caring for what happens next? Who would be able to abandon everything for the sake of your own tribe, your love, your own offspring?" She smiles and adds: "Given the chance, Wolf, I would mate with you until we both died or until we both fell asleep unable to do anything for months. Then, whatever happens, happens. I want to be with you. As much as you want to be with me. Yet we can't. Yet we're haunting each other in a never-ending quest to find each other." I crumble. "No one can claim you the way you're supposed to be claimed. It takes more than careful savagery. It takes fangs upon your throat. It takes blood. It takes a sacred oath. And this no one can do. Not unless I am given flesh and holding you in my claws." This is all I really ever wanted. "As if I would resist you." "As if *I* would resist you Fax. I am your dream, you are mine." "So I'm in love with a ghost I will never touch..." She looks at me and smiles. "And I'm in love with a walking meat bag. What's the difference? We are one. You die, I die. I die, you die. No other female could give you that. No other could be your dreams made flesh. And I know how you want and see me. I know everything there is to know about your lust and passion." It sounds stupid to scream it out loud in the middle of nowhere. But I do anyways. "I miss you. I miss you so much. I'd beg the gods, I'd do anything. But gods... I miss you, my She Wolf." "And I miss you, My Wolf. My Blood and Life." "If there is anything close to a goddess. You would be mine if that meant I get to be with you." "You already are my wolf god. Perhaps one day we will meet. And I shall lick your blood." "I shall offer my throat if that ever happens." "If that ever happens, my wolf." And sometimes, when everything is dark, we can talk, but we can never hold each other. -Fax © Fax, written January 10th, 2008 (Lost Wolves) Genese d'une Meute Perdue Chez les plus nobles et les plus beaux Les Loups, les guerriers, les heros Nous naissons, nous les degeneres, Et nous finissons toujours chasses. Nous sommes la meute de l'ombre, Nous chassons l'espoir pour le sombre Les Loups diminuent en nombre Certains se donnent a l'ombre, Ce que les bons esperent en vain Nous fait hurler comme des chiens Nous sommes la meute de l'ombre, Nous chassons l'espoir pour le sombre Violeurs, Meutriers, Fous, Degeneres, Tous chasses, extermines, Castres, Eventres, Par mere Nature, Excomunnies Les survivants se sont rassembles Nous sommes la meute de l'ombre, Nous chassons l'espoir pour le sombre Seul pour toujours, avec nos demons Enfin nous nous retrouvons Nous la Meute des Degeneres, Pouvons a nouveau chanter Nous sommes la meute de l'ombre, Nous chassons l'espoir pour le sombre Nos rites lubriques et nos chansons impies Vous, noble Loups, nous avez deruits Mais parfois, dans le ventre de vos femelles Grandit une degenerescence mortelle Nous sommes la meute de l'ombre, Nous chassons l'espoir pour le Sombre Nous somme sept Loups tombes Vils, lubriques et passiones Toi, le chasse, le tombe, le maltraite Nous te protegerons de la clarte Et ferons de toi un sombre guerrier Tu passera nos espreuves, Tu seras notre femelle, Tu te noieras dans le fleuve De la Tristesse Eternelle Et quand tu seras brise que toute bonte te seras retiree que la douleur t'auras rendu Fou Alors, tu n'auras que le corps d'un Loup Et tu seras enfin l'un d'entre nous. Translation: Genesis of a lost tribe Within the most noble and beautiful Wolves, warriors and heroes We are born, us, the degenerates and we always end up chased out We are the Tribe of the Shadow we hunt hope for the somber Wolves are diminishing in number Some pledge themselves to the Shadow what the Good Ones are hoping for in vain Makes us howl like dogs under a bloody rain We are the Tribe of the Shadow we hunt hope for the somber Rapists, Murderers, Lunatics, Degenerates All of us hunted down, exterminated, castrated and eviscerated Excommunicated by mother nature The surviving ones have gathered together We are the Tribe of the Shadow we hunt hope for the somber Alone for ever with our own demons At last we find eachother again Us, the Pack of the Degenerate Can sing and howl once more We are the Tribe of the Shadow we hunt hope for the somber Our lustful rites and our unholy songs You, Noble wolves, have destroyed us But sometimes, in your females entrails Grow a lethal degenerescence We are the Tribe of the Shadow we hunt hope for the somber We are 7 fallen wolves Vile, lustful and passionate You, the outcast, the fallen, the mistreated, We will protect you from clarity And we will turn you into a somber warrior You will pass our trials You will be our female You will drown in the river Of Eternal Sorrow And when you will be broken All kindness taken away from you When pain will have made you insane Then, you will be only wolf in body And, at last, you will be one of Us. Ashen (The Forever crying and begging, the Omega, the End of the line, the Weakest of them all) Bushah, c'est comme ca qu'ils mont appele Honteux, car je n'etais pas ne guerrier. Pas de puissance et pas de fierte Corps de femelle et langue veloutee En tant que male je suis ne Et c'est ce qui m'a condamnee Pour vous je ferai n'importe quoi, Par Piti ne m'abandonnez pas Je vous donnerais un plaisir dont vous n'avez jamais reve Je serai votre jouet, votre esclave soumis, mais, ecoutez moi... Par pitii, ne m'abandonnez pas... Vous m'avez chasse Torture, parfois viole, Au Saint nom de la Purete De votre race de guerriers Laisse pour mort dans mes larmes de sang Regrettant d'etre un Loup sans rang Pour vous je ferai n'importe quoi, Par Pitie ne m'abandonnez pas Je vous donnerais un plaisir dont vous n'avez jamais reve Je serai votre jouet, votre esclave soumis, mais, ecoutez moi... Par pitie ne m'abandonnez pas... Le Neant, La Mort et le froid Ont ete mes seuls companions de folie Plus de Loups, plus de joie La terreur et la melancolie De rester a jamais seul dans le noir Sans jamais amour ni espoir Pour vous je ferai n'importe quoi, Par Pitie ne m'abandonnez pas Je vous donnerais un plaisir dont vous n'avez jamais reve Je serai votre jouet, votre esclave soumis, mais, ecoutez moi... Par pitie ne m'abandonnez pas... C'est ainsi que je vous ai trouve A demi mort, vous m'avez sauve Loups perdus, fous et degeneres Le choix que vous m'avez donne Etre votre Chienne ou bien continuer A errer seul pour l'eternite Pour vous je ferai n'importe quoi, Par Pitie ne m'abandonnez pas Je vous donnerais un plaisir dont vous n'avez jamais reve Je serai votre jouet, votre esclave soumis, mais, ecoutez moi... Par pitie ne m'abandonnez pas... Je ne suis plus un un guerrier Je suis un loup brisee Je suis heureux maintenant Car j'ai maintenant un rang Pour toujours je suis dans la tribu Des maudits Loups perdus Translation: Bushah, thats the name they gave me. Shameful because I was not born a Warrior No power, no pride either But a female body and a velvety tongue As a Male I was born and this was my downfall For you I would do anything I beg you do not abandon me I'll please you in ways you've never dreamed of before I'll be your toy your helpless slave, but please Do not abandon me You have banished me away Tortured me, sometimes even raped me, In the name of the purity of your warrior breed Left for dead in my tears of blood Regretting to be a wolf of such a low rank For you I would do anything I beg you do not abandon me I'll please you in ways you've never dreamed of before I'll be your toy your helpless slave, but please Do not abandon me Oblivion, Death and Cold Have been my only companions in Madness No more wolves, no more joy Only terror and melancholy Of staying forever alone in the dark With neither Love nor hope For you I would do anything I beg you do not abandon me I'll please you in ways you've never dreamed of before I'll be your toy your helpless slave, but please Do not abandon me And so you found me Half dead, you saved me You, lost wolves, insane and degenerate And the choice you gave me Be your slave and bitch Or forverer walk alone For you I would do anything I beg you do not abandon me I'll please you in ways you've never dreamed of before I'll be your toy your helpless slave, but please Do not abandon me I am not a warrior anymore I am a broken Wolf I am eversohappy now Because I do have a rank I forever belong to the one Tribe Of the forsaken and cursed Lost Wolves My Name is now Ashen Forever Guilty for being a shadow Forever happy to have become so low. Divine Chienne Noire Viens a moi, Maitresse Bois mon Sang Tes sauvages caresses Et mes hurlements Prends moi Ravages moi Viole moi Tues moi Je te veux Je te desire Dans mes yeux Brulent des empires Prends moi Ravages moi Viole moi Tues moi Je detruirais le monde Je marcherais dans l'Ombre Je rejoindrai la Ronde Du Sans-Coeur et du Sombre Prends moi Ravages moi Viole moi Tues moi Mes griffes sur tes hanches Tes dents sur mon cou Le vent dans les branches Tues moi comme un Loup Prends moi Ravages moi Viole moi Tues moi Toi, Chienne Noire Deesse des Larmes Maitresse sans Espoir Aux yeux d'or et de flamme Prends moi Ravages moi Viole moi Tues moi S'il te plait. Translation: Divine Black Bitch Come to me, Mistress Drink my blood Your savage caresses And my howls Take me Devastate me Violate me Kill me I want you I desire you In my eyes Empires are burning in my eyes Take me Devastate me Violate me Kill me I would destroy the world I would walk in the Shadow I will join the circle Of the heartless and the dark Take me Devastate me Violate me Kill me My claws on your hips Your teeth on my neck Wind in the branches Kill me like a wolf Take me Devastate me Violate me Kill me You, Black Bitch Goddess of tears Mistress without hope With the eyes of gold and flame Take me Devastate me Violate me Kill me Please. Fourrure d'ebene Fourrure d'Ebene et crocs blancs Deesse Louve a la langue de soie Yeux de jade et coeur sanglant Je t'en prie, caresse-moi Mets une fin a mon tourment Ebony fur and Ivory fangs She-Wolf Goddess with a velvety tongue Eyes of Jade and bleeding heart I beg you, please caress me Put an end to my torment. Prends ce qui t'appartient, maitresse Noire Goutes a ma gorge avant d'en boire le sang Fais couler a flot ce qui me reste d'espoir Laisse moi sombrer dans ce rouge ocean Couvre moi de ton plus tenebreux regard. Take what is yours, Black Mistress Taste my throat before drinking its blood Spill what little hope I have left Let me sink in that Ocean of Red Cover me with your darkest gaze Mes reins contre les tiens Ma douce Louve et Reine Chassons jusqu'a demain Tant que la Lune est pleine Maintenant nous sommes Un. My hips against yours My Sweet Shewolf and Queen Lets hunt until tomorrow As long as the Moon is Full Now we are One. Sous la Lune Sous la Lune Comme un Chien Sous la Lune Entre tes reins Sous la Lune Tu m'appartiens O Louve Noire Prends-moi O Louve Noire Aimes-moi O Louve Noire Je suis a toi Comme Louve et Chien Tes hanches et tes seins Comme Louve et Chien Ta langue de Satin Comme Louve et Chien Jusqu'au Matin... Reine Noire Reine Noire, Je chasserai a tes cotes. Tu auras le Sang dont tu est assoiffee Je cracherai a tes pieds cette femelle terrifiee Afin que tu lui arraches son futur mort-ne Je la forcerai a regarder son crane se briser Entre tes machoires de sang et cervelle maculees Black Queen, I will hunt at your side You will get the Blood you so thirst for I will spit at your feet that terrified female So that you can rip her future stillborn out I will force her to watch its skull shatter Between your blood and brain soaked jaws Ensuite, je t'amenerai ton tourmenteur Il te suppliera de ne pas lui faire de mal Elle est tout pour lui, tout son bonheur Son larynx craquera dans un dernier rale Tes pieds il lechera dans un dernier pleur Crachons ses entrailles devant la lune pale Then I will bring you your tormentor He will beg you not to harm her, not her She is his everything, all his happiness Her larynx will crack in one last gurgle Your feet he will lick in a last sob Lets spit his entrails before the Pale Moon. Rouge sera la neige, comme ses cheveux Tes griffes graveront des oeuvres d'art dans son dos Terreur et soumission rempliront ses yeux Lentement je briserai un a un ses os Mourir sera le plus cher de ses voeux Nous laperons son sang comme si c'etait de l'eau Red will be the Snow, Like her hair Your claws will carve artwork in her back Submission and terror will fill her eyes Slowly, I will break her bones, one by one Dying will be the dearest of her wishes We will lap her blood as if it was water Sur le sang et la mort nous ferons l'amour Les entrailles et les os chanterons pour nous L'hymne des Derniers Loups, jusqu'au lever du jour Festoyons de leur viande comme si nous etions fous Puisse cette Divine nuit durer pour toujours Si il faut perir, mourrons comme des Loups. On blood and death we will make love Entrails and bones will sing for us The hymn Of The Last Wolves until the day rises Feast upon their meat as if we were insane May this divine night last forever If we must perish, let us die like Wolves. Urbara Ninuru, Mighty Queen of the Wolves Me-en zu U-Sud-Ra Urbara Ninuru, Mighty Queen of the Wolves, Me-en zu U-Sud-Ra Me-za dingir Urbara mu Me-za dingir Urbara Ninuru Gu dingir Urbara mu I am yours for all eternity You are a Divine She-Wolf You are the Divine Queen of the Wolves My Divine Queen of the wolves Me-en Urgir zu Me-en zi zur za-ra Me-en Ga-e zur za-ra Me-en us gu za-ra I am your Dog I Offer my throat to you I Offer myself to you My Blood is yours Suti zazkir gu dunabi Suti us zazkir gu dunabi Ga-e kam za Urbara mu Ga-e kam sabad kug zu Accept my sacrifice please Accept my blood sacrifice I desire you Shewolf I desire your sacred hips Ga-e kam sakus za-ra Ga-e dim za Urbara mu Me dingir Urbara Ninuru gu Aka Gul Urgir Ga-e me zu I wish to mate with you I beg you Shewolf Be my mighty Queen of the Wolves And I will be your Dark Dog Gu Urbara mu Gu Urbara Ninuru My Shewolf My Divine Queen of the Wolves Ze'evim Zannayim J'aime comme un Chien Je suis la fidelite Ce qui est moi est tien Tu es ma Divinite Maitre caresse-moi Je mourrai pour toi Maitresse aime moi Fais de moi ton roi Ze'evim Zannayim Ton sexe m'importe peu Mon amour est Absolu Ma passion est de feu et ma raison est vaincue Ze'evim Zannayim Je serai ton esclave Comme le chien que je suis Que tes paroles me lavent De mes peches impies Ze'evim Zannayim Maitre Loup s'il te plait montre moi Comment te faire plaisir Je t'en supplie apprends moi Comment bien te Servir Ze'evim Zannayim Divine Louve je t'en prie Prends mon ame et mon coeur Je suis seul et Maudit c'est pour toi que je meurs Ze'evim Zannayim Je suis un chien amoureux Perdu dans votre lit de b?e Mordez mon cou fievreux O, Loups que rien n'arrete Ze'evim Zannayim Langues, crocs fourrure et sang corps meurtri et chancelant Suppliques et cris haletants Je suis a vous je suis vivant Votre plaisir est enivrant Je serais toujours votre Amant Dans la vie comme dans le Neant Translation: I Love like a Dog I am Faithfulness What is me is Yours You are my Divinity Master caress me I will die for you Mistress Love me Make me your king Ze'evim Zannayim Your gender matters not My Love is total My Passion is Fire And my Reason vanquished Ze'evim Zannayim I will be your Slave As the Dog I am May your words cleanse me Of my Unholy Sins Ze'evim Zannayim Master Wolf please show me How to please you I beg of you teach me How to serve you well Ze'evim Zannayim Divine SheWolf please Take my heart and soul I am lonely and cursed It is for you that I die Ze'evim Zannayim I am a Dog in Love Lost in your beast bed Bite my feverous neck O unstoppable Wolves Ze'evim Zannayim Tongues, Fangs, Blood and Fur Bruised and faltering body Prayers and panting screams I am yours I am Alive Your pleasure is Intoxicating In Life like in Oblivion Decadent Beast (Book of Hatred) Nous sommes la Bete qui vit au fond de toi. Nous sommes la Colere, la Passion et la Haine Nous sommes La Verite qu'ils appellent Samsara Le chemin de l'instinct est devenu ma foi We are the Beast which lives deep inside you We are Anger, Passion and Hatred, We are the Truth they name Samsara The Path of Instinct has become my faith Ecoutes la volonte de la Bete Rends la justice telle que l'on te l'a dispense Sang pour Sang, Mort aux traitres Tues leur petits, fais les regarder Listen to the will of the Beast Dispense justice as it has been inflicted upon you Blood for Blood, Death to the traitors Kill their offspring, make them watch. Je peux vous voir je peux vous sentir, Vous, traitres qui m'avez laiss pour mort Bientot vous oublierez votre sourire Le froid et la peine scelleront votre sort I can see you I can smell you You, traitors who have left me for dead Soon enough you will forget your smile Cold and despair will soon seal your fate Ecoutes la volonte de la Bete Rends la justice telle que l'on te l'a dispense Sang pour Sang, Mort aux traitres Tues leur petits, fais les regarder Listen to the will of the Beast Dispense justice as it has been inflicted upon you Blood for Blood, Death to the traitors Kill their offspring, make them watch. Ne prends pas ce qui est mien, Tu perdras plus que ce que tu ne peux me donner Ne reves pas de ce qui n'est pas tien Ou ta tribu entiere sera evisceree. Do not take what is mine, You will lose more than what you can give me Do not dream of what is not yours Or your whole tribe will be eviscerated Ecoutes la volont de la Bete Rends la justice telle que l'on te l'a dispense Sang pour Sang, Mort aux traitres Tues leur petits, fais les regarder Listen to the will of the Beast Dispense justice as it has been inflicted upon you Blood for Blood, Death to the traitors Kill their offspring, make them watch. Ne touches pas a ma Femelle, Ou tu mourras. N'approches pas de mon Male Ou tu periras. Do not touch my Female, Or you will die. Do not approach my Male, Or you will perish. Ecoutes la volonte de la Bete Rends la justice telle que l'on te l'a dispense Sang pour Sang, Mort aux traitres Tues leur petits, fais les regarder Listen to the will of the Beast Dispense justice as it has been inflicted upon you Blood for Blood, Death to the traitors Kill their offspring, make them watch. Tes efforts seront tous vains Ton amour s'etiolera Ta Reine se tape des chiens Bientot elle se lassera de toi Your efforts will be vain, Your love will slowly die Your Queen lays with dogs Soon enough, she'll be bored of you Spasmes comme un chat en train de crever Meme les innocent paient pour ta folie Aurais tu deja oublie le regard gele De celui que tu as toujours appele un ami Squirm like a dying housecat Even innocents are paying for your folly Have you already forgotten the frozen stare Of the One you've always called a friend? Ecoutes la volonte de la Bete Rends la justice telle que l'on te l'a dispense Sang pour Sang, Mort aux traitres Tues leur petits, fais les regarder Listen to the will of the Beast Dispense justice as it has been inflicted upon you Blood for Blood, Death to the traitors Kill their offspring, make them watch. Pauvre garcon qui crois avoir tue un Dieu oublie Meme en Enfer, ton sort sera Legendaire Ton amour, bien sur, sera comme le cancer Et le fruit de ta semence de ver degenere Foolish boy, who believes he's killed a forgotten God Even in Hell your fate will be legendary Your love indeed will feel like cancer And the harvest of your degenerate worm seed Ecoutes la volonte de la Bete Rends la justice telle que l'on te l'a dispense Sang pour Sang, Mort aux traitres Tues leur petits, fais les regarder Listen to the will of the Beast Dispense justice as it has been inflicted upon you Blood for Blood, Death to the traitors Kill their offspring, make them watch. La Vengeance est le seul moteur de nos vies brisees Vous nous avez detruits maintenant c'est votre tour Vous, vos amis, vos enfants, votre monde Rien ne s'en relevera, rien du tout. La nuit eternelle va bientot vous envelopper. Vos larmes seront de sang. Votre espoir Neant. Vous mourrez seul. En toute realite pour vous, il faut vous dire la verite? Vous ne serez pas sauves du tout. Vous mourrez seuls. Vous ne reviendrez jamais. Personne ne se souviendra de vous. Revenge is the only engine of our broken lives You have destroyed us, now it is your turn You, your friends, your children, your world Nothing will rise from it, nothing at all. Eternal night wil soon wrap around you. Your tears will be blood. Your hope, Oblivion. You will die alone. In all reality for you, you have to be told the truth. You will die alone. You will never come back. No one will ever remember you. -Fax © Fax, collected January 10th, 2008 Well, as far as I am concerned, I've never really thought about any of it until the past couple of years. I've always felt some kinship with a thing or two which some may call ungodly. But then again, age bringing some wisdom, I have decided to actually go and research what it is that made me think the way I now think. First things first, I am human. We all are the amount of genetic code deeply embedded into our genome. However, we are part of this ecosystem, part of this Nature, part of this Planet, as well as each and every single other living being, and hell, even everything. We are all made of Carbon and Proteins. We all share a genotype (not the same of course). We all have the same genes, just dispersed differently according to what species we belong to. So of course, at some point, as some things are deeply ingrained into our collective consciousness, some other traits might just as well be borrowed from everything nature had us evolve into. Remember that we are animals, in the first place. And we have ourselves been in a tremendous amount of evolutionary processes to reach the point we are now at. A dear friend of mine, David, is an absolute well of knowledge when it comes to anything Egyptian. They indeed depicted their gods with animal heads on top of human people. Because, as he so well explained and as you probably all know by now, some animal characteristics and/or behavioral traits such as courage, fierceness, loyalty, etc, can be found in people, too. Perhaps not in everyone, but some, that is for sure. As for my little self, well... I would like to think I display some wolf traits, but there is something else, much colder and calculating, selfish too, which I would define as what some friends suggested, a mix between the lion character Scar, from the Disney film "The Lion King", and the tiger character Shere Khan, from Rudyard Kipling's "The Jungle Book". Now, I think that's fitting. Lets explain a few things a little deeper shall we: I am totally, irremediably human (the architect). However, I am fully aware that we, our species, humankind, have achieved great things and aren't as bad as many people seem to think. As a matter of fact, we are able to do great things in the name of what is the best solution for the many, including other species and even our environment as many institutions are now starting to actually do things about the multiple threats our constant expansion has brought upon us. I would like to think I display some Wolf traits. Not because I'm courageous, I'm not really that unless something dear to me is directly threatened. No. I was more thinking about the "do everything for the one you love, even if that includes your own destruction. Never cheat. Mate for life. Support them. With all your love." Basically. This is what I do. I mate for life. It's funny how I seem to have failed multiple times when really, if I was that bad at writing and finding arguments I'd just blame it on my human side. But no. I am also far too imperfect which I am well aware of. I sometimes long for things I didn't even know I could long for. I wish nothing more than having a peaceful life, in a remote place (which is already the case), to have my own mate, my own family, my own little pack I could devote my life to, and nothing else. I will go to great lengths to become the willing dog of anyone who earns my love. My loyalty is also undying when you've reached this point. This has also been my greatest downfall, because when in this state, I have absolutely no dignity, no self respect, nothing. I give my all. I lick the boot that kicks over and over again thinking, imagining perhaps because I am so na?e when it comes to this, that love will ultimately win and that everything will be magically solved. My logical human self sees all of the red flags that glaringly scream to jump out of emotional Titanics as soon as possible, screw women and children, just JUMP NOW. But instinct, love, is far too strong and blind. I would also like to think I display other traits. As mentioned above, Scar-Khan traits, if you will. I often feel that way towards most people, and even more so when I have been betrayed by someone close, or someone I love has been hurt. Sometimes, it's just gratuitous. Like, whee, let's hate everything. I can introduce a why to this, but it might be rather long. I took the liberty of listing a few things which happened to me when I was a kid: And it went way worse than that. At times I feel that no one is above me, that most people are meat and should be used as such, as long as it brings you gain. I see some people as prey. They can give me satisfaction since, after all, no one deserves redemption after the treatment other people inflicted upon me as a kid. In this, I think I perfectly fit the description of a cold-hearted hunter, which calculates long enough for prey to fall in my claws. People are boring, irrelevant, full of themselves, loud and annoying. No sense of self at all, no glory, no pride, everything being fake and lies. Hell, this part of myself would be very pleased to see the world go down in flames, even if that meant my own destruction. It wouldn't hesitate twice before embracing a cause sure to destroy everything. My latest emotional failure led me to think that whatever was wolf within me died. So naturally I would feel inclined to be more feline and have... "fun". Be free. Fuck whoever, just for the hell of it. Sex is such a source of pleasure, after all. Debauchery. Freedom in what destroys the mind and soul, if you will. But not only mine, no. This is something this side of me can share to a great extent without harming myself. Only protect and acknowledge the existence of your family and Tribe. All the others are irrelevant and therefore expendable. And in the middle sits my logic. My emotions. What I feel is right and wrong. What I believe in. Well, as far as I am concerned, I think that we, the Human Race, have done a tremendous amount of evolution since we first appeared, and this on a ridiculously small timescale compared to the age of our planet, and the age of life in general, which is about 14 billion years old. Piling up nothings on top of nothings, we have built empires, we have created a self-serving entity called Society which is above pretty much all of us, we have had the three major engines of our species, religion, war and economy run our fates and destinies over the centuries, one on top of the other, while coexisting with them. Our model now, the engine of the world, is Economy. Of course, it has its bad sides, but on the other hand, this model is the one which works the most for us, for now. Over a population of 6 billion now in 2003 the estimated amount of billionaires was about 500. 500 on such a scale. That means that it's a small amount of the extreme of this model in a much larger population. Of course we have poor people, wars, and everything, but when you think of the world as a species, well, to be honest it could be far, far worse than it is now. I'm not saying this is perfect, I'm only saying it works for now. As for nature I was always disgusted by deforestation, this, hunting and the like. However, after reading people like Jacques Attali, famous professor and historian and similar types, even listening to Al Gore and watching his movie, which I found really interesting, I think that we, as a species, are starting to tackle a large amount of the problems we have created. It could end up badly but I see things here and there showing me that many people are indeed trying to do at least something. And as you know, a little something as opposed to nothing always make something in the end. After all we can create emotion. We can love. We can make music which will make others cry, feel sorrow, feel joy. We can be brave and fight to the death to defend what we love in the name of what we think is good. Are we really going to let our world die without a fight? Why as a matter of fact I am terribly attracted by everything purple, especially Amethyst, I also have a weakness for Malachite, having been surrounded by this while living in Nigeria. Now now, lets delve a little deeper into what Amethyst means, shall we? The Purple Gem: Amethyst By Gina Ritter Amethyst: transparent, purple quartz has been in demand throughout history from Catherine the Great to the British royals and Egyptians. Amethyst ranges in color from pale lilac (sometimes coined "Rose de France") used in Victorian jewelry to deep purple of historical royalty. Today, amethyst is mined in South American countries like Brazil, Uruguay, Bolivia and Argentina, as well as in Zambia, Namibia and other African countries. Some darker amethyst is mined in Australia. In Greek legend, it was the tears of the god of intoxication, Dionysus, which stained the quartz to the purple amethyst color it is today. Dionysus, one of the 'black sheep' of the Gods, was angered by a mortal and foolishly swore revenge on any mortal that was unlucky enough to cross paths with ferocious tigers he created to mirror his anger. The young, mortal maiden, Amethyst, was an unsuspecting victim. The goddess Diana turned Amethyst into a protective statue of pure crystalline quartz and it was then that Dionysus wept tears of wine on her statue in remorse. Interestingly. The Greek word amethystos means "not drunken" or "without drunkenness" and amethysts were used in ancient Greece as a sobriety aid by carving wine goblets from the purple quartz or holding an amethyst gem under your tongue while drinking. Modern Greece still enjoys its sobering symbolism today. In the Middle Ages it was thought to encourage celibacy, so Catholics and others adorned themselves and their churches with Amethysts as a sign of piety. Likewise, many Bishops continue to wear amethyst rings today and rosaries of Tibet are fashioned with amethysts, as they were sacred to Buddha. As for Malachite (again by Gina Ritter): How does one make amends for that which you have no recollection or knowledge? Malachite will help you clear the past that you may have no conscious awareness of, yet remains a burden you are carrying. Malachite's gift is assisting one be comfortable in changing situations. Also very powerful in aiding with the interpretation and transfer of information that leads to Spiritual Evolution. Excellent stone for identifying, recognizing and releasing negative experiences, especially one that you cannot recall. It can be helpful in gaining insight into the cause of specific conditions, such as relationships, resentments, and anxiety so that you can release them. Malachite also represents fidelity in love and friendship, and is a good companion stone for Jade - The Stone of Fidelity in relationships, both romantic and friendships, that have had turmoil and need to rebuild trust, as it also promotes loyalty. A protective stone in the field of Aviation, said to stimulate awareness of and prevention of vertigo. Malachite is also an Abundance stone. With its equalizing and balancing vibrations, it can create an unobstructed path leading to a desired goal. There are two different versions to this one. As far as I'm concerned, everything that makes me me is divided between allowing myself to think humanity can be redeemed and that it's too late. My purpose is to have my own tribe and family. My blood renewed, My lineage continued. Guard the tradition, the Tribe. Love yours dearly and die for them if necessary. What other purpose is there, really? On the other hand... On the other hand, I sometimes think it would be so easy for me to reach a much darker aspect, failing at finding what I deem good and true time after time. Vengeance can sometimes be the very engine of someone's life. Then Oblivion. Why would people deserve any kind of redemption, having myself been through such Hell with no hope of getting out, not that anyone would help anyway. Seeing the malice others have proven themselves capable of made me see what people are able to do at their worst. And I honestly thought beings like this weren't even worthy of existing. But I have to acknowledge one thing: If I have felt such disgust towards my own species, it's precisely because at some point, I love it. Terribly much. Where's my Nobel prize now? -Fax © Fax, written January 3rd, 2008 |
